Monthly Archives: March 2012

Guilty as Charged

I suffer from guilt.  It keeps me awake at night.  I dream guilt.  I am guilty every waking minute.  I am guilty of so much I carry it like a burden.

I think mine is a little heavier

I am guilty of not being clean and tidy.  This annoys the people who live with me.

I am guilty of not being socially involved enough with good causes.  Petition signing is not enough!

I don’t spend enough time with my friends tending to their needs and wants, I am so guilty of this!

I am guilty of procrastination.  I really don’t do enough for my university work.  I could be a great student if I could just be bothered.

I am guilty of being at university when I should be out working, I can’t provide enough for my children and therefore they go without.  This means I am mostly guilty of being;

A BAD MOTHER

This is my greatest guilt.  I am a bad mother.

Just give a treadmill

I never wanted children and all my guilt stems from this.  I don’t earn enough to give them all they want.  I don’t send my (clever) children to the best schools or pay for extra lessons.  I am not always at home when they are, I am either at university or at work.  If I go out with friends my guilt quadruples.

I feel like a failure to my children, I love them and they are nice kids.  They have their moments when they are horrid and I feel guilty when I shout or tell them off.  I try so hard to go to their school events, and I have made most of them, but  I feel so guilty if I don’t make it.

So I already feel I am letting everyone in the world down, especially those who depend most on me.  I don’t need the extra guilt that some people have decided to heap upon me.  I really enjoy university, doing my undergraduate degree has felt so right and wonderful.  I have decided that I want to try for a Masters next year, I hope I will get funding which means I will double what I get at the moment in student loans and grants.  The rational me looks at the job market, the rational me looks at the extra income, the rational me looks at my satisfaction.  I know this is the best option, I will be better qualified, it gives me breathing space in an uncertain job market, I will have more money coming in and still be able to be at home in the school holidays when the children need me.  I will be able to continue to work.  A happy mum is a good mum.  I am sure this is the best option for me and my children.

The guilty me ignores all this, it knows I am selfish and rotten to the core.  I do things for my own pleasure.  The guilty me listens to people who say these things about me, it listens to how I need to get a full time job in order to buy things for my children.

I hope the rational me wins this battle.

Fear of the Future

I am in my third year at university.  In fact right now I should be writing my dissertation, naturally my mind has been casting around for things other than my dissertation to do and has settled on this.  I have cooked elaborate dinners, been shopping and even washed the floor, I have got desperate people!

Nothing on top but a bucket and a mop And an illustrated book about birds

I want to clarify the reasons I started my undergraduate degree and where I see myself going with it.  As I am nearing the end of this part of my life I want to put into words how I am feeling.  Reading the blogs of my friends has spurned me forwards into this course of action.  I think blogging helps them, it may help me.

My path to university began in 2008.  My youngest son began school in September 2008 and I began an access to university course at Peter Symonds college in Winchester.  I was 32.  College was easy.  I already had A-levels and had done two years with the Open University before the birth of eldest son.  At college I made two great friends, I meet up  with them two or three times a year.  After college we all went on to different universities in Hampshire and when we meet we commiserate and compare experiences.

Therefore I began university much older than all but one of the other students.  I didn’t expect to make friends, what would they have in common with me?  I got mistaken for a lecturer (really should have taken advantage of that one), I was also much more aware of life and had more experience than the rest of them.  I also had 3 children.

Handy carrying space for all my books.

Despite my misgivings I did make friends, and two of them I will cherish forever.  They have helped me in different ways and they do different things for me, but I will love them both forever and hope to stay in touch.

So here I am.  I graduate on the 24th July (must go shopping for killer shoes) and this worries me.  What will I do?  What will happen?  I hope to apply for and get funding for an MSC followed by a PHD.  I am not certain I will get it and what will I do if I don’t?  These are worries for another day, as unless I get my dissertation done I won’t be graduating.

My hair is going to get so mussed up under that cap.

I worry about my friends.  I will miss them so much.  I never expected at my age and stage of life to make life-long friends at university.  Why would any of the other students want to be my friend?  Despite this, I have and they mean so much to me.  I worry that this is the end and I don’t want it to be.

So, back to the dissertation grindstone…….