I suffer from guilt. It keeps me awake at night. I dream guilt. I am guilty every waking minute. I am guilty of so much I carry it like a burden.
I am guilty of not being clean and tidy. This annoys the people who live with me.
I am guilty of not being socially involved enough with good causes. Petition signing is not enough!
I don’t spend enough time with my friends tending to their needs and wants, I am so guilty of this!
I am guilty of procrastination. I really don’t do enough for my university work. I could be a great student if I could just be bothered.
I am guilty of being at university when I should be out working, I can’t provide enough for my children and therefore they go without. This means I am mostly guilty of being;
A BAD MOTHER
This is my greatest guilt. I am a bad mother.
I never wanted children and all my guilt stems from this. I don’t earn enough to give them all they want. I don’t send my (clever) children to the best schools or pay for extra lessons. I am not always at home when they are, I am either at university or at work. If I go out with friends my guilt quadruples.
I feel like a failure to my children, I love them and they are nice kids. They have their moments when they are horrid and I feel guilty when I shout or tell them off. I try so hard to go to their school events, and I have made most of them, but I feel so guilty if I don’t make it.
So I already feel I am letting everyone in the world down, especially those who depend most on me. I don’t need the extra guilt that some people have decided to heap upon me. I really enjoy university, doing my undergraduate degree has felt so right and wonderful. I have decided that I want to try for a Masters next year, I hope I will get funding which means I will double what I get at the moment in student loans and grants. The rational me looks at the job market, the rational me looks at the extra income, the rational me looks at my satisfaction. I know this is the best option, I will be better qualified, it gives me breathing space in an uncertain job market, I will have more money coming in and still be able to be at home in the school holidays when the children need me. I will be able to continue to work. A happy mum is a good mum. I am sure this is the best option for me and my children.
The guilty me ignores all this, it knows I am selfish and rotten to the core. I do things for my own pleasure. The guilty me listens to people who say these things about me, it listens to how I need to get a full time job in order to buy things for my children.
I hope the rational me wins this battle.